I’ve been hurt.
I’ve been hurt by this dagger that continues to pierce my diaphragm into my ribcage, slicing my heart...day after day.
The hurt isn’t a physical hurt. It’s a hurt that stings deeper than the flesh and the muscles that encase my pain.
It’s a hurt that has developed and stung me with cuts and bruises for so many years that the scabs are now dark brown and the purple-blue bruises just never seem to heal.
A hurt that I’ve been unable to let go, remove, or separate myself from.
Sadly enough this hurt has enveloped me and trapped me with its controlling gaze and claws and won’t let me go.
This hurt I speak of is fatal:
The wounds of a child unable to make him happy.
The wounds of a girl unable to make him proud.
The wounds of a teenager wondering what a man really is.
The wounds of a woman trying to make things work, and still destructively failing.
It’s a hurt that I can’t seem to outrun - even after sprinting through the finish line, he has already arrived at the end and caught his breath to taunt and humiliate me.
Go figure – it’s my luck: the escape hatches have all been removed, and he just keeps pushing me further and further into the darkened alleyway of heartache.
This hurt is unavoidable and damaging.
Unfortunately, as much as I try to fight it, this hurt is also apparently eternal.
Getting away seems unpromising, unattainable, and strictly impossible.
The claws have gripped and they have wounded me as deep as the Aetos Kaukasios wounded Prometheus regularly.
Although… Prometheus had a reason to be cut open, marred, and impaled on a daily basis.
What’s my reason?
Raquel, I wish I could bandage your wounds like I did when you were a little girl and tell you that the "boo-boo will get better." Unfortunately,it was easier when you were a kid to put a Band-Aid on the wound and you were on your way to healing. We are all wounded in one way or another. We are incomplete, and fallen from grace. I have my own scars from my upbringing which I had to nurse and heal eventually....I made my peace with it. God is the only source for that healing and peace (the only bandage which works.) Know that despite your hurt and disappointment, you are loved more than you know or feel...it is diffifult to show love when you were never shown how to, but it is definitely there. Feel better my child.
ReplyDeleteThanks mom. I love you, and thanks for the encouragement. If only "Sana sana culito de rana" could help me now...
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