"You look amazing!"

My weight loss has done wonders for my endurance, health, body image, confidence, and dancing. I can honestly say that I am as small as I was in 8th grade when I lost 30 lbs the summer after 7th grade. I feel good - more importantly I feel healthy. I feel like I can actually accomplish things I couldn't before - lift weights, run a mile in 11 minutes, dance for hours without being tired. Health-wise I am happy. But there's this little part of me that still makes me feel upset every now and again. While I appreciate all the compliments and they fuel my motivation to continue, I can't help but feel curious and upset over the fact that I never really received compliments like that in the past. Ok so I am "beautiful," "amazing," and "gorgeous" now but what was I before? Ugly? I never really thought that I looked horrible before and maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but I can tell you that these men were not trying to holla at me before. Now that I lost the weight you think you're worth my time? Try again. It just goes to show you that looks really matter a lot in this society. It sucks. I always think of it as a compliment when people tell me I look amazing or beautiful now, but I always have that thought in my mind... what was I before? Why am I only these things now that I've lost 75 lbs? Oh well... just a thought.

4 Letters

L-O-V-E. They are just four measly letters, but put together, they are supposed to spell the most profound and deep emotions that this physical human existence can feel.

And I say “supposed to spell” because I often have doubts if this kind of love really exists.

We hear fairy tales and stories about how “he swept me off my feet” or how “I couldn’t live without him in my life.” But it’s just become meaningless words to me throughout the years. You can CLEARLY live your life without him - snap out of the trance, women!

I don’t think I can honestly say I’ve ever been in love yet sadly. I thought I was once for quite awhile, but it really wasn’t true love. It was forged, and the end of that relationship is telling of how forged our love was.

I honestly can't say I believe in true love anymore or that it even exists for everyone. Why is our life so defined by a series of events - love, engagement, wedding, children. ::Repeat cycle with your children:: I don't get why someone's life has to be defined by another person. Sure it'd be nice to have someone there for me all my life and actually be that support system. But I can't say I think it'll happen anymore. It's kind of tragic that at 21 years old, I feel like I've lost too much time to make something so Disney-magical happen. True love is supposed to end "happily ever after" with a prince that "makes dreams come true." False.

Even if I accept true love as a love that is enduring, supportive, accepting, and compassionate, I don't think any human being will ever give the kind of love that the other wants. How tragic is that? We go on thinking we'll find a perfect love or someone out there perfect for us. But I doubt that there is that special someone for everyone. I think some people can find a "perfect" match for them through Christ if they put Him at the center of their relationship, but outside of that I have my doubts of finding a person that really fits me or that I fit them. I've seen too many stories end in divorce, too many relationships that have problems, too many marriages that should not be, and it's just pointless. Some of us were probably meant to be single and unmarried.

Maybe I'm just pessimistic about the whole love thing, but I just can't see it happening for me. I've met many men in my time being single and many men have tried to be with me, get closer to me, etc. But I'm just not interested in any of the pickings right now. True love doesn't exist at the moment, I can't say it ever will but I am highly pessimistic. Who knows what God has in store, maybe I won't be as negative about "true" love if something comes around...slash, if it actually exists.

Best I Can

I remember back in middle school when we used to be given those questions to answer - "Who is your idol?" All my peers and I would come up with some type of response with a celebrity, our parents, a teacher. But as I get older I'm starting to realize and question what an idol is. How can we idolize someone when really, we're all just imperfect people? Sure, there are different qualities in different people that we can idolize, respect, and admire. But can one person really do it all?

I'm feeling more and more every day that as parents, as actors, as entertainers, and as leaders - no one can really be that perfect idol. In this world, I feel like we all just try to do the best that we can with whatever is thrown at us. It's how we deal with those situations and manage them that define our personalities and make us the idols we can be. But really, we are all just trying our best and doing what we can living this human life. Being an idol seems like too much pressure... the only person who can really be an idol in all His perfection is God.

Time for me to get back on my Bible studies, Church visits, and gospel choir.... My life needs the Word and an idol I can hold til death. AMEN!!

Share The Gift of Life

As most of you know, I am interning at the New York Organ Donor Network this summer doing Hispanic Marketing and Public Relations with their Outreach team and I wanted to share some myths and facts that I've learned this summer so far. It's really a great cause and I can't help but try to outreach even more after meeting so many people that have gotten a transplant or are on the waiting list. These are real people and need your help to live their lives normally without the fear of imminent death. Saving lives is actually quite easy, and with your gift of life, up to 8 people can be saved. It's a powerful cause, statement, and mission. I've been having a great summer working for them and hope you'll consider the facts of this beautiful process. Thanks guys!


1) MYTH: Doctors will not do everything they can to save my life if they know I want to be a donor.

FACT: Donation can only occur after a patient has been declared brain dead by physicians who are not affiliated with the transplant recovery teams.

2) MYTH: Wealth and celebrity status dictate who on the transplant waiting list receives an organ first.

FACT: The transplant waiting list is completely blind to wealth or celebrity status. The severity of illness, time spent waiting for an organ and blood type are what matters for people waiting.

3) MYTH: Donation is against my religion.

FACT: All major religions endorse donation as the highest humanitarian act. Religious leaders, including the Pope, have all publicly supported donation.

4) MYTH: My family will have to pay extra bills.

FACT: A family of an organ and tissue donor is never responsible for costs related to donation.

5) MYTH: Donation will disfigure my body.

FACT: Donation takes place under the same strict sterile conditions as any medical procedure. A donor is treated with extreme care and the body is not disfigured.

6) MYTH: It is impossible to have a regular funeral service following organ donation.

FACT: Donation does not interfere with funeral arrangements. Open casket services are possible.

7) MYTH: Organs can be bought and sold on a black market.
FACT: In the U.S., law prohibits the buying and selling of organs. The

system for matching donor organs and potential recipients is regulated by the Federal Government.

8) MYTH: Signing the back of my driver's license or donor card will ensure that I will be a donor.

FACT: Surviving family must give consent before donation can take place, so it is essential that the family know the patient's wishes.


**Please sign up to share your gift of life by visiting http://www.donatelife.net/ to sign up to your state's registry. 18 people die daily waiting for an organ transplant and every 12 minutes, another name is added to the waiting list. With just one organ donor, up to 8 lives can be saved. If you need more information feel free to contact me!

Universal Solvent

The water droplets caress my face, massage my shoulders, and cleanse my thighs.

The soap washes the germs, removing the grime, and leaving us smooth to invite a new day, a brighter beginning, and a way to start fresh.

As I move the shower head settings from a soft gentle rain to a rougher massage waterfall, I know that this feeling of being free will only last for the next twenty minutes.

I’m showering not because I’m dirty or unclean.

I’m showering because showering is my way of hiding the pain and hoping that the water can somehow erase the past.

I once learned that water was the universal solvent. Does its universal powers work with humans as well?

My shower can camouflage the tears that stream down my face and the red and puffy eyes I’ve acquired from sleepless nights and sorrowful days.

The soap can wash away the bruises, the scrapes, and the blood that physically sting me.

And the shaver can scrape away a layer of dead skin and hair follicles as I hope that it also shaves away the layers of yesterday.

Taking a shower for me is more than a quick cleaning process, it’s where I gain hope that once I step out onto the bathroom rug and dry off, that times have changed, and that the solvent really did dissolve the past.

Unfortunately I’ve never had that experience yet, so I’m staying in the shower for 40 more minutes to soap up, wash, and shave off some more layers.

Rain and water may not be able to dissolve the past, but shavers and blood can terminate the future.

Cauterize Me

I’ve been hurt.

I’ve been hurt by this dagger that continues to pierce my diaphragm into my ribcage, slicing my heart...day after day.

The hurt isn’t a physical hurt. It’s a hurt that stings deeper than the flesh and the muscles that encase my pain.

It’s a hurt that has developed and stung me with cuts and bruises for so many years that the scabs are now dark brown and the purple-blue bruises just never seem to heal.

A hurt that I’ve been unable to let go, remove, or separate myself from.

Sadly enough this hurt has enveloped me and trapped me with its controlling gaze and claws and won’t let me go.

This hurt I speak of is fatal:

The wounds of a child unable to make him happy.

The wounds of a girl unable to make him proud.

The wounds of a teenager wondering what a man really is.

The wounds of a woman trying to make things work, and still destructively failing.

It’s a hurt that I can’t seem to outrun - even after sprinting through the finish line, he has already arrived at the end and caught his breath to taunt and humiliate me.

Go figure – it’s my luck: the escape hatches have all been removed, and he just keeps pushing me further and further into the darkened alleyway of heartache.

This hurt is unavoidable and damaging.

Unfortunately, as much as I try to fight it, this hurt is also apparently eternal.

Getting away seems unpromising, unattainable, and strictly impossible.

The claws have gripped and they have wounded me as deep as the Aetos Kaukasios wounded Prometheus regularly.

Although… Prometheus had a reason to be cut open, marred, and impaled on a daily basis.

What’s my reason?

"Performing"

There's something about dancing that just hits me at the core of who I am. I've tried for so many years to try and figure out why dance has become such an integral part of who I am and why it's so important in my life but I can never figure out why, I just know that it is. From ballet, jazz, merengue, salsa, pointe, tap, lyrical, mambo, and more I can't seem to stop performing year in and year out.

There's something in the act of performing and getting that step just perfect that makes me feel so much more fulfilled in life. I use practices as my study breaks and stress relievers. The practices and hundreds of people I've danced with over my 15 years of dancing have kept me sane and motivated to strive for more technique, seek more experiences, and learn new styles.** I no longer get nervous and jittery before I go on stage, but instead I feel anxious and ready to let my body take over. The feeling of being before hundreds of people who paid to see your show, executing a move perfectly, and performing for all to see motivates me every day to go to practices, extra rehearsals, or even dance in my room to a song all alone. It's not something I do just because, it's a part of who I am. When I try and explain this to people who don't understand, it's almost impossible to have them grasp the experience of being on stage after hours and hours of practice, sweat dripping down your face, eyeshadow and glitter shining on your eyes, and just letting your body take over the music. When I'm on stage, I don't even think about the moves - somehow they just come... I think about "performing", looking out to the audience, and enjoying my precious and limited 4 minutes of time to be on stage.

The funny part is that this feeling of adrenaline, excitement, and self-fulfillment extends far beyond the stage as I've realized - it goes into social dancing and clubbing as well. You know when you have a great salsa or mambo dance if you're not trying to follow, but if you're thoroughly enjoying the dance. The dance itself becomes a performance sans stage. The crowd is the audience and your partner is your co-choreographer for those 4-5 minutes of bliss that constitutes a social dance. And somehow a connection is always fabricated with this stranger who you've just spent the last 4 minutes with dancing - it's a connection that doesn't last longer than the dance itself, but a connection that makes you able to transcend the dance floor and make the moves mean more than what they are. I think that's one thing that distinctly separates amazing dancers from good ones - for me, they not only execute moves with precision, accuracy, and technique, but they genuinely enjoy every time they step, every hand styling, every drop of sweat, every turn, and every pattern that comes their way as they move to the rhythms that are played. It's their way of expressing themselves and their smiles and "performance" faces on-stage and off-stage show it. I can only hope that I have shown and continue to show my love and passion for dancing the same way it shows for these performers. Because in the end, we aren't really "performing"- we are just dancing from our hearts, doing what we love, and showing the world how much dance means to us.


** Shout out to my mother who took me to endless practices every week as child and pushed me to further continue my passion. Surprisingly, I wanted to quit dance when I first started, it was because of my mother that I didn't. She and the rest of my family still support me 100% in shows and they never missed a show before college. Even now, as long as I ask them, they make it out to support me in another state - the support is unyielding, noticed, and appreciated.