Tears.
This time, tears which reflect my fears of being unworthy…
Fears that have compounded through years of failed
relationships and a youth full of domestic violence and abuse.
As a woman I have been taught that I am a man’s unequal; that
as a woman I need to adapt and submit to his needs and his dreams. I am secondary.
The tears that tremble down my face now at hearing that he
loves me, scare me knowing how deeply that he means it.
Tears that know that this man is here for the long haul;
that he is fully invested in our relationship and future.
Tears that force me to question my own aspirations, hopes,
and worldly desires.
Tears that know he is the “real deal”; a man so genuine,
honest, loving, and giving that his open heart and unassuming mind give me
peace, happiness, and a calm love.
He is more than what I have imagined, more than I could have
dreamt, and more understanding than any thoughts I had of the man for my
future.
I can see us sitting on the beaches of Phuket laughing,
planning our next trip, our next life goal, and our next step together as a
couple.
I can see us touring the streets of Rio drinking caipirinhas
and dancing samba with the locals.
I can see us living together in a beautiful home in Miami pushing
each other to succeed, grow, and move higher professionally, emotionally, intellectually,
and spiritually.
“I have your back 100%,” “I’m not going anywhere,” and other
affirmations of love and affection overwhelm me and allow me
to break down my walls of distrust and confinement.
I have used my strong demeanor, personality, and attitude as
my partition to fend off men.
This man has listened, understood my inner emotions, and the
catalysts for my reactions. He is first my
best friend, my teammate, my partner, and more importantly, my equal.
My tears reflect my nerves, anxiety, worries, introspection,
and most of all my vulnerability.
You have my heart teetering precariously. Please proceed
with caution.
