Secrets

In my head, I believe you are mine.
I'd be lying to you if I told you that I didn't think about you every morning and didn't want to hold you every night.
I want to lay on your couch holding you close watching Netflix and eating sandwiches from the bodega down the street (or corner store, as you call it.)
I want to watch rereuns of Grey's Anatomy and hear you talk about how when they killed George you were angry.
I want to have deep intellectual conversations with you -
Discuss science, race, religion, and what our future children will look like.
I yearn to tell you that I love you every time we hang up the phone.
I wish you understood that I would never knowingly hurt you nor wish any harm on you.
I want to give you the ripest fruit of my gardens and the richest honey of my ethers every day.
With every thought of my future and every major decision I make, I imagine what you would tell me and what your advice would be.
I secretly wish you would move to Florida or I would move back north.
Home to me is in your arms. No other location has ever felt so safe.
A man like you is a rarity.
I pray for you all the time.
Your future success is extremely important to me. What woman doesn't want to see the man she loves succeed?
I want to be your loudest cheerleader and most trusted wingwoman.
I want to see you happy. You've spent too many years unhappy and your time is coming. I can't wait.
I sometimes dial your number and then don't press send.
I usually wait for you to call me so that I know I'm not bothering you.
Listening to soca music makes me feel more connected to you and your culture.
I love Trini culture now.
My dance instructor calls me "Trini girl" and my heart smiles.
Never would I have imagined eating shark and I would have said no if anyone but you had asked me to try it.
I've tried for a year to move on without success.
I compare every man to you - your good heart, old school morals, your relationship with Christ, your intellect, and foresight.
I've prayed for a man with certain characteristics and qualities for years. You have all of them.
I have dreams of living the rest of my life with you.
I can't see myself ever not talking to you.
I always wonder what you think of me...
Every new experience I have I wish you could experience it with me.
I want to share my happines with you and always lift you up higher.
I want to cook you dinner and pack you lunch with a cute note inside your bag since I know how much you hate Subway sandwiches.
I wish I could meet your mom and tell her what a fantastic son she has raised.
No other man compares to you.
If I had to chose between your happines and mine, I would always choose yours.
Most of all, I wish you would open your heart to receiving and giving love again. You've cemented walls to keep love out, but you've cemented potential happiness out as well.
I believe in a future with you.
You own my heart and I'm not sure you are aware.
They say in love that sometimes "you just know."
Well, I just know.

Tidal Reflection

There are few things in this world that leave me dumbfound and breathless.
The ocean is one of them.
Its waves drown my thoughts and fill my lungs with gratefulness.
As I stand by the foamy ocean edge looking into the vast curved horizon, I am reminded of my grandmother - a selfless and caring warrior who is no doubt surfing in the magical red, pink, and blue clouds ahead of me.
I can feel her warm smile as she gently blows me a kiss, caressing my beach blown hair and leaving me goosebumps.
These are the moments I treasure and attempt to capture in my worn out memory box.
An old white former shoebox aged by seven years and filled to the brim with nostalgia, hope, heartache, and tears.
A robber would never care to take a box so worn out containing nothing but useless relics.
Yet no gold, silver, or diamond could amount to the emotional sentiment contained within.
I secretly wish I could bottle the wonder and awe of the ebbing waves with the purple blue sunset to store it in my box.
I know however that it would be selfish to keep such beauty to myself...
As I bid adieu to the salty crisp air, blazing sun, white sand, and astounding ocean for the day, know that I am thinking of you.
You are on my mind and I wish you could experience this joy with me.
As I look up towards the sky on the short walk back to my car, I am greeted with the sweet welcome hello of our grandiose satellite moon,
And I know that somewhere you are thinking of me too.

Happy.

Woke up this Saturday morning to the sun shining into my canopy bed warming my face and inviting me to a new day. I step outside onto my balcony and lay in my hammock in awe of the beauty of this earth. The water from the kiddie pool below making a gentle and calming sound to soothe, the hot sun blazing on my cheeks and legs to create a crisp brown tan later in the day, and the coo-ing of birds freshly awakened ready for a day's adventure. It is peaceful out here with no one in sight, empty pools below, and no sounds other than that of nature. Palm trees sway softly in the background with the light wind interrupted only by the rare pigeon landing at its trunk for a rest, leaving me stunned as to how I am so fortunate to live in this paradise. Life is wonderful. This is the state of living I so yearned up north and desperately chased. Peace, happiness, and undeniable joy.

"You have time."

"You have time."
Those three words could burn a chasm through my hypodermis without rupturing a single slender vein.
My body has become immune to the punctures that have been repeated to me by every friend, family member, and ex.
It no longer reacts with a tender sorrow and eruption of violent tears.
It has become an expected response.
My body is numb to the optimism of those words; the way that a patient with diabetes is anesthetized to their diurnal prick.
The regularity and predictability of the cut has concealed its sting and weight over life’s normal proceedings.
The wait for the “right” time and the “right” man and the “right” moment has exhausted my tear ducts to the point of dehydration.
Please refrain from preaching to me that “You are young,” or “Everything happens for a reason,” or my new favorite: “Trust God’s timing.”
I am weary of the forged confidence inherent in their articulation.
The suspicion that an Eve has been crafted without an Adam will likely cause tumult for some,
But after lonely years, futile dates, and failed relationships, the skepticism has built a durable layer of subcutaneous tissue to sustain each subsequent piercing.
Piercings that are imperceptible to observers, but merely masked by a strong countenance hiding the fragmented craters underneath.

New City, Old Ways

Laying on my baby blue beach towel on the hot summer sand is my happy place.

But the waves that crash into the surf today mimic the tears rolling down my face as they collide with the sides of my sun-screened nose and full lips.

Have you ever noticed the coincidental saltiness of a tear drop?

Procession of Death

This city will eat you alive...
The way cruel selfish eyes ignore a homeless man's empty belly,
The way hours of your day are spent at a job that will bring you money with no lasting happiness,
The way the subway trains demolish and discombobulate human life,
And the way death is disguised behind the pretext of "police activity".
Today I stand on the very platform that less than 24 hours ago, a man died. 
He hurled himself into the tracks (according to reports) and was severed into pieces...
As I stand here on the platform and look at where his body laid yesterday on the tracks and street, it is astonishing to me how quickly the rest of this city keeps on moving.
Someone lost their life, and yet the city takes not even a day to mourn...
I wonder how many people actually know about the death? 
I wonder if they even care? 
Death is a very hard concept for me to swallow, whether I know them personally or not. 
Did the man commit suicide or was he pushed? 
Regardless, I bowed my head and prayed for him and his family this morning while waiting for my train, but I hate to believe that's all we can do... 
I recently read a quotation that said something to the effect of: each passing day is the constant movement towards death.
Life is so fleeting.
Notice your breath today. 
Breathe in the summer sun, and warm heat through your living nostrils. 
Be happy, and chose today to take a step towards joy.
Life is fragile enough - we are only made of organs, skin, and muscle which can be stripped in an instant and your body parts washed away with a fireman's hose. 
Decide to acknowledge that frailty today and choose happiness.   

Umoja

Somewhere between 20,000 feet into the air while we are cutting through wisps of cotton clouds and beyond the eyes of those on the ground, and our soaring altitude of 38,000 feet, I regain my heart and my spirit is awakened with a renewed sense of joy.  This is my seventh flight in less than two months and the window seat of my various 737s have become home.  A place where my eyes can be amazed by the landscapes just underneath my feet, and where my mind can transport itself to the grassy acres imaging a life not lived.  At times anger fills my heart, upset that God would give us so much world, but so little time to experience it all.  An impossible task to see every blade of green grass or particle of gritty sand.  It is in these moments of dismay that I can clearly articulate and understand the importance of learning from and listening to others.  This world was meant to be lived and experienced together.