Mommy Tears

“Mommy tears” I call them because there is no other way to describe this rush of wetness to my caruncles as I swell with pride and emotion.  Unless you are a mom, you will never know.
Our usual bedtime routine:  I cuddle you, change your dirty diaper, play “stinky feet” with you, and put you into fresh pajamas – today a white onesie with a cute elephant on the front.  (You look amazingly beautiful in white by the way.)
I then football cradle you across my chest with your head relaxed in my left arm and my right arm between your legs to keep you still and secure.  You look so comfortable. 
Two rounds of “You Are My Sunshine” as you gaze into my eyes transfixed on the melody.  It was always my favorite song growing up that my Mami sang me.  My inner emotions swell every time I sing it to you.  You will never know how it feels to pass this along to you, along with all the cosquillas Mami used to give me.
After our moment of lullaby cuddles and rocking, it’s time for our nighttime prayers.  We always pray for your safety and for you to not have any nightmares.  For God to protect you and for Him to send His angels to keep you safe and protected overnight.  And we always pray for Daddy to come home safely from work.  (Shh…. Don’t tell him, it’s our secret.)
I put on the shusher to help you drown out any background noise and today, as I lay you down on your belly as usual, you flip over.  You stare at me in the eyes so innocently and reach for my hand never leaving my gaze and just asking gently for my comfort.  I give you my hand and you pull it close; grasp my thumb, and hold my hand against your body.
Mommy tears.  All five thousand of them. 
Two more rounds of “You are my sunshine” because my heart can’t leave you.  But I know you are tired.  I whisper “I love you” more times than you will ever know.  My tears don’t stop as I walk out the door and immediately turn on my phone to watch you on the monitor.
You fall asleep in less than ten minutes.  All I can do is watch you; happy, filled with sadness that you are growing so quickly.  But also so much pride that you are my daughter.  You are my firstborn.  My joy.  I am so lucky that you made me a mommy. 
Thank you, Gabriela.  Thank you.
Thank you for being my daughter. 
Happy Mother’s Day to me, indeed.

Your Name

Gabriela Ruth – Both strong characters who God found favor with and chose to be part of his lineage and spread His message.

Gabriel:

• Means “God is my strong man”
• Angel Gabriel who announced the birth of John the Baptist to Zechariah in Luke 1:11-25
• Gabriel also announced the virgin birth of Christ in Luke 1:26-38
• Also explains visions to Daniel
• “He has a favored position as an angel who “stands in the presence of God” (Luke 1:19), and he was selected to deliver important messages of God’s particular love and favor to individuals chosen to be part of God’s plan.”

Ruth:

• Means: “Friend”
• “Ruth is an example of how God can change a life and take it in a direction He has foreordained, and we see Him working out His perfect plan in Ruth’s life, just as He does with all His children (Romans 8:28). Although Ruth came from a pagan background in Moab, once she met the God of Israel, she became a living testimonial to Him by faith. Even though she lived in humble circumstances before marrying Boaz, she believed that God was faithful to care for His people. Also, Ruth is an example to us that God rewards faithfulness: “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him”.
• Faithful to mother in law and loyal to her family.  A “woman of noble character”.  (Ruth 3:11)
• She made a covenant with her mother in law and God which she stuck to.  God can work in our lives to always influence the lives of many even when we come from different backgrounds (Ruth was a non-Israelite).
• Gave birth to Obed who was part of the lineage of Jesus Christ.

For My Wildflower

My dear Gabriela Ruth –

“In a field of roses, she is a wildflower.”

As I seek to find the words to write you now turning 37 weeks pregnant and on the eve of your arrival, there are so many things I wish to tell you.  But today, I hope my words inspire you for the entirety of your life and encourage you to always live out the desires of your heart that God has miraculously instilled in you – divine dreams for your life that only our Creator can magically dream up and bring to fruition.  He knew you before I knew of you and He knew that this world needed you, for this day, for this moment, and for this year.  Every breath you sustain is His will and I know that though you are my earthly daughter (my wildflower) you are eternally His daughter.  I submit your life to Him and before Him. 

My beautiful wildflower, I want you to know that this nickname for you is one that I chose carefully and prayerfully.  I know that while wildflowers may be seen at times as senseless and erratic in nature, they are actually quite skillful and independent illustrations of flora.  Consider how they grow – wildflowers do not look to the left nor to the right when blossoming, and most times are not intentionally planted or seeded.  Yet these flowers sprout purposefully and faithfully in many flawed circumstances.  They do not plan their arrival or growth based on how the flowers or blades of grass around them thrive, but instead rely only on their own internal compass and upward faith to continue flourishing.  They are fierce, autonomous, and liberated.  Each one an individual and unrestricted by the conformity that lay around it.  They are open and uninhibited.  I imagine you one day living a life uninhibited by what society may tell you, what classmates or teachers or bosses might seek to instill in you, but still you remain unfettered.  I pray you always know whose you are – a daughter of a mighty King.  A King who has given you purpose beyond society and beyond the naysayers you will encounter in life.  Be a wildflower, my child.  Be free of all but Christ in your heart and you will find that happiness will prosper.  Be bold and fierce; encouraged by the spirit that lives within you and guided by the light that shines within (Matthew 5:13-16 NIV).  Like the wildflower, He will never leave you or lead you astray.  Do not worry about those voices on the outside, remain steadfast on the voice on the inside, the voice of the Holy Spirit.  Like a wildflower, your nonconformity to society and secularism will shine your uniqueness without fear and attract many that are drawn to your glimmer.  Just as a wildflower trusts in God to sway and propagate in whatever weather God sends it, so my prayer is that you too trust in Him to provide through whatever you may face.  “Consider how the wildflowers grow. They do not labor or spin…”  Luke 12:27 NIV. 

My child, “you have come to your royal position for such a time as this.”  (Esther 4:14 NIV)  You are chosen as an untamed beauty; wondrous in all your splendor and wind-swept ferocity.  Choose to standout, my baby girl.  Chose to be a wildflower – even in a sea of roses.

I love you forever, I love you for always. 

Your Mami,

Raquel "Daisy" Jordan

Brickell Blues

**Dedicated to my city friends**
I struggle to envision heaven as an urban city - with highrises, concrete structures, bright lights, and busyness.
Blue graffiti coloring the worn gray walkways,
Hundreds of cigarette butts adorning the dirt and broken rocks which used to be grass,
Sod replacing the once naturally growing green blades,
Dull blue ocean water trying to clean itself with every crest, but instead discolored by oil, gas, and human waste. 
Its waves fall and crash into the city walls with a heaviness reminiscent of sadness.
A deep breath in of crisp ocean saltiness in Brickell and instead my nostrils are welcomed with car fumes and rotten fish water reminding me that this world is so far from God's design for Eden.
We've tainted earth for our own use and forgotten that true glory happens only through His name and striving to live His walk.
What world are we leaving our next of kin if not a world of lush green pastures where they can believe in His promises?
After moving from the biggest city in the country - New York City - working in yet another city reminds me how far sin has caused us to fall. 
So much corruption, no place of silence, no rest, nowhere to Sabbath or spend quiet time with God.
I ask myself time and time again why many flock to cities when the solitiude and introspection you recieve by spending time with nature and God eludes its inhabitants.
Perhaps cities and Christ are difficult paradigms unable to coexist?
I find it difficult to see Jesus within the busyness and corruption of urban life and unable to find His voice with so many distractions. 
I know He is ubiquitous but do we allow Him inside our office spaces and taxi cabs? 
Do we move beyond the guise of politically incorrectness and usher Him in?
My experiences in the last seven years of corporate urban life says otherwise. 
We are quick to disregard His word, forget our faith, and justify ourselves with what society and corporate wants.
I am not a city gal, never have been nor never will be.
But lately I wonder - is God welcomed in our cities?  Do we make room for His presence?

Balanced

Almost six months into our marriage and the best word I can use to describe our life is “balanced.”
Synonyms like calm, tranquil, stable, and steady elaborate on its context.
We are very much all of those words amidst the biweekly grocery shoppings and weekly laundry cleanings.
Our days are filled with routine but a calm harmony exists between the walls we call home…
Arriving from work, eagerly awaiting my husband’s warm reception when he returns from his day on our old grey couch that sinks in and hurts our backs,
Waking up to his breath, and never wanting to leave the warmth of his strong soft chocolate skin and entangled legs,
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and having him say "Babe, when you come back, hug me."
Savoring the youthfulness of Sunday morning pillow fights and “tag, you’re it” running up and down our stairs.
This is our home.  Our first home.
And our first year of oneness.
We are your average husband and wife seeking after His kingdom.
Choosing daily to get past our disagreements and arguments with conversation, forgiveness, and grace.
The home we are cultivating is one that will be drastically different from our upbringing – a life where neither one of us had a Christ-fearing marriage couple as an example for our lives.
We choose daily to be that transformational generation for our family.
The Jordan home - always seeking more.

Marriage Real Talk

Real talk for a second: This process of marriage is really showing me how selfish I can be in some areas of my life. I woke up analyzing myself and doing self reflection.

I feel like God is revealing a lot of things to me and areas of my life where I need so much spiritual growth. A question as simple as "how are Rondell and I going to get to work and school with one car?" Turned into me thinking he needs his own car, then analyzing why I wouldn't let him use my car, and then me trying to figure out why I see it as "my" car to begin with.

I am seeing these objects as possessions instead of as a financial blessing that God has given me to use for His will. If God were here, it wouldn't be a question if we could use His car. He would give it to us even if we were the worst drivers, or if we crashed His car, or if we never returned it. He would forgive each and every one of us if we did any of those things and came to Him with a heart of remorse and regret. He gave us all His possessions and even His only son!!!!  He was completely selfless!

It amazes me... The more I analyze things, the more I know that marriage is about becoming more Christ-like and holy.... pushing us as individuals to become more like Him. Dying to our own selfish needs and desires to put someone else first the way Christ gives to us so freely.

It is a little scary and overwhelming. It feels challenging and I know I have a lot to learn. But I am so grateful for Rondell's patience and grace with me even when I am thinking the wrong way. Marriage is going to be a journey and I hope to share and be as real with you all as possible!  If I can help one of you the way Brittany & Everett or Darlin & Bleigh have helped me, it's worth it!  It's always good to have spiritual mentors who have walked through what we have and are open to share.

The Fate of Our Love

"Do you think this will work?"

He asked me earnestly, and with eyes-wide looking lovingly towards me. 

I wondered, will it?

Do we ever know if it will last forever? 

Or, do we make our best attempt to find a partner who we are willing to fight for; someone who despite life's challenges, you seem to continue to gravitate towards, and desire to please them and make them happy?

If I am honest, I don't believe in "the one."  I haven't for awhile. 

Don't take this as a jaded view or as someone who doesn't believe in love.

I am a true believer of love, but not love as most see it. 

Not an interim, contrived love, but a love that fights - with full-on MMA gloves.

A love that will be challenged various times in the lifetime of a marriage.

A love that will not always be happy or feel loving.

But a love that endures because it chooses to. 

It chooses over and over again to put itself on the front lines of the battlefield knowing full well that it will be hurt, scarred, and broken. 

That love may not want to get up at times, but it chooses with its last ounce of strength to ALWAYS try again.

So do I know if this will work?

No.

But what's the fun in knowing the future anyway? 

All I know is that I am willing to fight - fight hard without seizing - every day I am alive, and always put you first after Christ.

I love you - always more.